Are you suffering from Separate Lives Syndrome?

by Jerry & Cheryl Davison

Back in our college days in Atlanta, Cheryl and I would get together with some friends and spend the afternoon floating down the Chattahoochee River. We used to call it “shooting the ‘Hooch.” We would all rent inner tubes and put in together at the entry point. It was great fun, relaxing in your tube, soaking up the sun, and letting the current carry you lazily down the river. It was so peaceful and the gentle motion of the river so soothing that you could easily find yourself in your own little world, daydreaming about anything and everything, even drifting off to sleep in the warm Georgia sun. The problem was that after a while you would look up and your friends were nowhere in sight. The currents and eddies had one-by-one carried them off in different directions or held one up while the others moved on past. By the time you reached the take out point, the close friends you couldn’t wait to spend the day with were so scattered that you might as well have gone by yourself.
On one occasion I remember “shooting the ‘Hooch” with some friends and seeing a couple glide by in a canoe. They were sweating and their faces were tense from the exertion of paddling. The man sat in the front of the canoe setting the pace and calling encouragement to the woman behind him. They sailed swiftly past us, their paddles plunging in perfect rhythm. I remember thinking, “That is way too much work! They need to learn to relax like us.”
Looking back on this, it dawned on me that when you went down the river in an inner tube you almost never finish together. But if you took the canoe, even though it was more work, you finished together every time. The tube requires no intentionality, no effort. The canoe, however, is much harder work and requires a high level of cooperation. Sometimes it can get a little tense when one is paddling against the other, but they always finish together. They know from the second they sit in that canoe and grab the paddles they are in it together until the end.
Many marriages these days have become more like inner tubes than canoes. They start together with the best intentions but over time the demands of life – career, kids, and the fast-paced culture we live in – pull them in different directions like the currents of a river. They share a house and a mortgage and a bank account but at the end of the day they are more like roommates than marriage partners. We call this phenomenon Separate Lives Syndrome and it is one of the most lethal threats to marriages today. Unless a couple is intentional about staying connected every day and in every area of your lives, the natural tendency is to drift apart like that old inner tube on the river. Here are some practical strategies for finishing together:

Carve out time together. It has often been said that if you want to know what is important to a person, look at his checkbook. We would go a step further and say, “Take a look at the calendar!” We make time for what is truly important to us. Yet very few couples are making room in their schedules to build their marriage. A 2004 study in England revealed that, after subtracting sleeping, work and passive activities such as watching television, the average married couple only spends about 15 minutes a day actually interacting with each other.
In most marriages, at least one spouse works a full time job, forcing them to spend 8 – 10 hours apart almost every day. Cheryl and I decided a few years ago that we would not let an entire day go by without staying connected in some way. We began texting quick messages just to say, “I’m thinking of you.” I set up instant messaging on my computer at work and leave it open in case she needs me. We take a minute each day to drop what we are doing and call. All of these things are free to do and only take a few minutes, yet they keep us connected all day.
In addition to daily time, we carve out time for a weekly date. A few years ago, we began setting aside every Friday at lunch as a special time just for us. We found a great little sushi restaurant that has become “our place.” It is blocked out on our calendar and everyone knows it. Nothing is allowed to preempt this scheduled time. By making it a priority we are saying, not only to each other but also to everyone around us, that we value our marriage.
If a weekly date night doesn’t fit your budget find some other way to spend time together. Don’t let money be an excuse. Cook a meal together. Ride bikes together. Take a drive out of the city and just talk. The main thing is that you don’t allow distractions or interruptions to make space between you. Turn off the cell phone, put down the remote, and deliberately focus on each other. Making time regularly to focus your undivided attention on your spouse will keep you connected and help close the gaps.

Make sure your circles overlap. The inevitable byproduct of busy schedules is that so much of our time and energy is spent cultivating relationships with people other than our spouses. If we are not careful, husbands and wives can become completely immersed in their own circle of influence. This circle usually revolves around the workplace and includes its own set of goals, dreams, life-shaping experiences, and personal relationships. If a couple isn’t intentional about making sure these circles overlap at some point, they will inevitably begin to pull that couple apart and create space between them.
It is essential that couples make a strategy for overlapping these circles. According to statistics from the private investigation industry the co-ed workplace has become the number one place for extramarital affairs to begin. If you are suddenly realizing that your circles have drifted too far apart, here are some practical ways you can bring them back together again:
• Make time every day to sit down with your spouse and tell them what’s going on in your world. Ask him/her about their day. Make an intentional effort to stay in touch with what you both are experiencing.
• If possible, drop by your spouse’s workplace. Bring him/her a gift, meet for lunch, or just drop in to say hi. Introduce your spouse to co-workers. Make your presence known and felt.
• If you can’t go to your spouse’s workplace, invite his co-workers to dinner. You want to know whom he’s spending time with… but more importantly you want them to know you!
• Take an inventory together of all the things you are involved in apart from each other: career, ministry, sports, clubs, or organizations. Are there any of these things you could do together? Are there any relationship bonds that are competing with your marriage for attention, energy, or influence? Be prepared to let some things go for the sake of protecting your marriage.


Take an interest in what interests your spouse. Remember when the two of your were dating? You did things and went places you didn’t particularly care for the sole reason of just being together. Now ask yourself this: Why did you stop? What if you had to make your spouse fall in love with you all over again? What would you do? What are her passions? What are his dreams? Do you know enough about your partner to pull it off?
If you don’t know what pushes your mate’s buttons, ask! Take some time and study each other. Take notes because you will be tested on it later! Here are a few things to consider when getting to know your spouse better:

• Simple pleasures. What is his favorite food? What kind of music does she like? If he could spend the day doing anything he wanted, what would it be?
• Gifts and talents. What is your spouse great at? What unique gift does he or she possess that would bless others? What do they feel the most fulfilled doing?
• Heart’s desires. What did your husband want to be when he was a boy? What dreams and desires does your wife have that have gone unfulfilled? What calls to her in the deep places of her heart? What does he have a burden for?

Now ask yourself, “Have I been an encouragement or a discouragement to my spouse?” Pick one of these passions and make it your personal mission to help them achieve it. Now what are you waiting for? Get out of your inner tubes and get in the canoe together. Make a plan to finish together no matter what!