For many months now, Cheryl and I have been praying hard about whether or not we should move from Las Vegas. We came here in 2002 to be a part of new church and ended up on staff. It has been incredible and we absolutely love the church and the people. But we began to sense that maybe God was getting ready to move us. We have been praying about this for over a year, asking God, "What are you trying to tell us? Should we move? Or should we stay? What should we do? Where should we go?" We couldn't deny that there was a restlessness and it seemed God was stirring us to something new. Then when the economy took a downward turn it added the weight of being absolutely sure that we heard from God before we did anything that would put our family in jeopardy. Our prayer times had become consumed with getting answers to these questions.
During this time, my wife and I have been reading through a Harmony of the Gospels for the past several months. If you're not familiar, it takes the events in the four gospels and puts them into chronological order. It's a great way to read the gospels, all at once instead of one at a time. It really gives a great perspective on things, hearing the different viewpoints on the same events from Matthew, mark, Luke and John.
A few weeks ago in my morning quiet time, I came across the story of the Widow's Mite in Mark 12:41-44:
And [Jesus] sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.”
I have been in the practice of praying through whatever scripture I am reading, in response to whatever it seems God is saying to me. When I read this story and the corresponding version in Luke 21, I felt God was saying to me, "Jerry, I want you to picture this widow in your mind. What do you see?" I pictured the story as I had always seen it depicted in Sunday school flannel boards and Bible story books. "Well, " I said, "she's very, very old and bent over..."
"Where does it say she was old?"
I looked. Nowhere in the scripture did it say she was an old woman. It simply said she was "a poor widow." I felt God was saying, "Forget what she looks like. Think about what it meant to be a widow in that place and time." In that culture, a woman without a husband was alone, helpless, without a provider or protector. The scripture said she was poor and that her two copper coins were "all she had to live on," so it is doubtful she had any family to care for her. I thought about her loss, her husband, her lover, her best friend and partner in life.
Then I thought about what it meant for her to be down to her last two pennies. Did she wrestle with God about what to do with it? Did she consider all the ways she could use it to maybe buy one last meal before she was completely destitute? Did she at one point say to herself, "I'll just give one and keep one back for myself, just in case..." That's still 50% of all he owned! Who could fault her for that?
Then I thought about the kind of faith it took to walk into that temple knowing that when she walked out of that place, if God didn't come through, she was finished. Did she hesitate, her hand hovering over the treasury box? Did she pray as she let the coins fall from her hand? Whatever else she might have done, she had placed herself in a position where she had no choice but to be completely dependent on the goodness God. No safety net. No Plan B. She was all in.
I asked the question that had been building all the while I was thinking about this widow. "God, what am I holding back? Am I all in? Or am I keeping something back as a safety net, in case You're not enough? Show me where I am not all in."
Later that morning I was driving to work and I was listening to a podcast by John Eldredge. The subject that morning was "Answers vs. Intimacy." He and his co-host were talking about how we so often come to God with a laundry list of needs, concerns, and questions, but don't take the time to just be with Him. It's like a son rushing into his father's presence. He's in panic mode, anxiously asking question after question in rapid fire, desperate for answers. The dad stops the son, "Whoa, slow down. Have a seat. Let's talk." Then John said, "Many people come to God with a question. 'Lord, I need a job. Where do I go? Do we move? Do we sell the house?' They are trying to hear from God in a vacuum. There is no context of intimacy out of which a conversation with God would flow. Of course God wants to speak, he wants to guide us. But not at the expense of a relationship with Him."
That hit me like two tons of bricks. That was exactly where I was living at that moment. We were asking those very same questions! Do we move or do we stay? If we move, what about a job? Do we put our house on the market and see what happens? "Okay, Lord," I said, "I'm listening." I became convicted as I listened to the rest of the podcast that I had let my intimacy with God take a backseat to getting the answers to these questions. I felt He was telling me, "You just seek Me for Me and let me worry about all that stuff." OK, Lord. I repent. Help me to just seek intimacy with You and trust that You will make everything clear in due time.
Fast forward to that night. I go to sleep. I suddenly wake up at 4:00 AM. I'm barely awake. I stagger to the bathroom. Then it happens. Have you ever had those times when you just know that you know that you know God is talking to you? There I was in the bathroom, more asleep than awake, when I felt God was saying, "Jerry, if you will stay up and spend time with me right now, I will tell you the answers to your questions." I'm thinking, I know God didn't just say that to me. I could barely function, I was so tired. All I wanted was to crawl back into bed. I remember thinking, I can't stay up! I'll only get four hours of sleep! I have to be at work tomorrow. I can't function on four hours of sleep! So I said, "Lord if this is really You, keep me awake." Then I staggered back to my bed and fell asleep.
The next morning, in the shower, I was feeling very convicted about what happened. I asked God to forgive me. And once again, it was very clear inside me. He was saying, "I knew you weren't going to do it. I was just answering your prayer from yesterday. You wanted to know where you were holding back. You wanted me to show you where you were not all in. That's it. Right there. I'm not enough for you." Ouch. Of course, he was right (I mean, come on, He's God!). I wanted my sleep because I believed I couldn't function without it. It was like I was holding my two pennies and saying, "I'll give You one, Lord, but I'm holding on to this other one in case You're not enough." If I had stayed up in obedience, I believe He would have supplied me with everything I needed and then some to get through the day. But I was holding back. I was not all in.
Since that time, I have been concentrating on focusing on my intimacy with God in prayer. Not demanding answers. Not petitioning needs. But just spending time with Him, letting Him speak. It hasn't been easy. Several times since then I have caught myself trying to figure things out for myself. "Ok, if we move here, then we can do this and this. But we could stay here and do this thing and that would be great." Then I feel a gentle nudge like the Holy Spirit clearing His throat. "Ahem. Did you forget something? Am I not enough?"
I am reading two great books on this subject right now that are hugely helpful. I highly recommend these to anyone who is experiencing this same thing. They are "Hearing God" by Dallas Willard, and "The PAPA Prayer" by Larry Crabb.
I want to finish by sharing these verses from Psalm 16, the same Psalm God used 8 years ago to confirm our call to Las Vegas. Note the connection between spending time with God and His direction in our lives:
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me. ◙
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being ◙ rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption. ◙
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
1 comment:
Good word, Jerry!
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