By Jerry & Cheryl Davison
Since the social networking craze began, there have been concerns expressed over the safety of our kids but very few have considered the threat they can pose to the unguarded marriage.
“Have you looked at Facebook today?” Something in the tone of Cheryl’s voice warned me that this was not a casual question for the sake of conversation. My wife and I had opened an account on the popular social networking site a few months prior at the urging of some out of town friends as a way to stay in touch.
“No, I haven’t,” I replied tentatively. “What’s up?”
“You got a message from an old friend.” As soon as I logged in to our account I saw what she meant. We had a message in our inbox from a former female classmate. Apparently she was going to be in town for a few days and wondered if I would meet her for lunch. Even though Cheryl and I clearly share an account, the message was addressed only to me. We decided it would be best to reply as a couple to send a clear message.
We began the reply with the words “My wife and I would be happy to meet you for lunch!” and even invited her to attend church with us that weekend. If her intention was an innocent albeit naïve reunion, then no harm done. If, however, there was anything more behind the request, it communicated firmly but politely that I was not interested. In the end, it all came to nothing because her schedule prevented her from meeting us.
We can look back now and laugh about this story because it has a happy ending. For many couples, however, a reunion of old friends on Facebook has not ended so happily. A newspaper in England recently ran the story of a woman whose husband left her and their two children after rekindling a relationship with an old flame on Facebook. One need only to Google “Facebook” and “divorce” to discover that this tale is an increasingly common one. In fact, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers recently reported that the number of divorce cases involving internet-based infidelity is on the rise. When it comes to Facebook and it’s social networking peers, ignorance is a bliss that marriages can no longer afford.
For those who may not be familiar with it, Facebook.com is a worldwide online community of more than 100 million people. Members can send each other pictures and videos, write on each other’s “wall,” and share what they are doing with their friends and family at any given moment. It has grown so popular that it recently outpaced its only real competition, MySpace.com, and became the 5th most visited website in the world in terms of traffic. It’s easy to see why it has become so popular: it’s free to join, fascinating to explore, and – let’s face it – it’s just plain fun!
But for all it’s fun, Facebook can have a dark side for the husband and wife who have not set boundaries to protect their marriage. Here are a few simple strategies that you and your spouse can easily implement to reduce the risk while enjoying the fun of Facebook:
• Have a joint account . When Jesus said that married men and women “are no longer two but one flesh” He wasn’t just speaking figuratively. You are truly one – a whole new entity with a new identity. A terrific way to reflect that reality to your Facebook friends is to have one account for both of you. It also serves as a safeguard against potential temptations to build relationships with the opposite sex apart from your spouse.
Remember the story of the old friend who wanted to meet me for lunch? Imagine that same scenario between a couple with separate Facebook accounts. Suppose they had also been going through a rough spot in their marriage. It would have been very easy to hide the message from their spouse and arrange a meeting. At the very least, the couple would have been exposing their marriage to a temptation they may or may not be able to withstand.
Some Facebook junkies may object that having a joint account limits some of the fun of the website. For instance, there is only room to list one birthday or one graduating class, making it more difficult for old friends and classmates to find you. These are minor objections, however, and easy to work around if you are resourceful. Cheryl and I alternate birthdays and graduation years every so often. Whatever small sacrifices you may have to make, your marriage is worth it.
If you do choose to have separate accounts, be sure to allow each other easy access at all times for accountability purposes. Don’t hesitate to check up on each other. It doesn’t communicate mistrust, but rather says to your spouse, “I value our marriage enough to protect it.”
• Do it together. Another great way to make the most of your Facebook experience as a couple is to wait until you can check it together. This may be a tough adjustment for those who are used to logging in whenever they want but it brings a lot of extra benefits to the table.
Checking Facebook as a couple provides a fun and unique way for the two of you to come together and spend time doing something you both enjoy. Cheryl and I get a kick out of reading our friends’ status lines, quick one-sentence updates on what they are doing that day. It gives us another thing in common that we can laugh and talk about throughout the day.
It also serves as a deterrent to “Separate Lives Syndrome,” one of the deadliest threats a marriage can face today. Jesus warned that “what God has joined together let no man separate.” (Matt. 19:6) Separate in the original Greek language means “to make space between.” Anything that creates space between a couple rather than bringing them closer together should be taken seriously.
• Absolutely no old flames allowed. This is a no-brainer yet we are constantly amazed at the lack of caution couples exhibit in this area. It is impossible to underestimate the power of emotional bonds created in past relationships. These can be very alluring especially if you are experiencing conflict in your marriage. It is wiser to simply close and lock that door altogether.
“But won’t I offend someone by ignoring their friend request?” This is a question we had to answer when we first opened our Facebook account and set these boundaries in place. To be completely frank, the answer we landed on was, “We can live with that!” We don’t mean to sound harsh but the fact is that the danger to our marriage far outweighs any benefit.
Ignoring or removing friends on Facebook is easy and the person is not even notified so the chances of offending someone are relatively small. The bottom line is this: Your marriage is now your relationship of priority. While you never want to offend unnecessarily, sometimes you may have to in order to protect your marriage – and theirs.
• Send the right signals. All of us at all times are sending signals, broadcasting through our words, our dress, our eyes and a hundred other ways that we are either open to a relationship or satisfied with the one we are in. On Facebook it is no different. Your profile is your public face to your friends so be careful what you are communicating on it. Here are a few suggestions that we have found helpful:
1. Use your status line to brag on your marriage. Pete Hixson, a pastor friend of ours in Atlanta has a separate Facebook account from his wife, Hollie, yet they clearly send the signal that they are happy together and not open to an affair. For example Pete recently wrote, “Pete is looking forward to a little time out tonight with my best friend – my wife!” Hollie wrote, “Hollie is all dressed up and going to a nice dinner with my good lookin’ man!” We noticed that many of their church members frequently comments on how happy they look together. They are mindful to model a Christ-centered marriage to their watching flock.
2. Upload lots of smiling photos of the two of you! A picture is worth a thousand words so make yours say what you want it to say. Your profile pictures should radiate the message that you are happy together. Even if you don’t share an account, you should include your spouse in your profile pictures.
• Pray for discernment. Strategies and safeguards are great and can be very helpful but they alone are not enough. The reality is that we are in a battle and our Enemy has targeted our marriages. Do not underestimate him! Cheryl and I have begun praying together before logging on to Facebook. We ask God to reveal any dangerous relationships or situations and to protect our marriage from any attacks of the Enemy.
We also ask Him to show us opportunities to encourage other couples. We leave notes on their “wall” whenever we see friends modeling a healthy, happy, and holy marriage. We have learned to see our friends’ status lines as potential prayer requests. In this way, Facebook is not only a fun activity but also a fulfilling ministry that we can do together.
